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What A Girl Wants-stop bullying

My new babies by alberto guardiani
Yes some said a normal girl needs 1000 pairs of shoes in her entire life, me? 1000 pairs won't be enough!!! I love shoes way tooooo much, saw my new baby in black pumps a few months ago(in front of pucci's show @ milan fashion week) and it's my natural instinct to hunt my babies down like a momma panther always do.
Btw 3 years ago a friend of mine asked me to think about a life changing hypothesis(by him) about me "ceka, what if you're born to be like this(made a circle in the air, read:fat), and no matter how hard you try to "fix" it, you're born this way(yes lady gaga stole his words)". I was a lil bit shock when i heard his hypothesis about me, yes he's a science student and he's petite. I proofed him wrong when i lose 20 kilos in a year but then i gained em all back in 3 months and i lose 22.5 kg + made my own size 6 prom dress. It felt amazing at that time, i gained control! I lose 4 more kg and transformed myself without any personal trainer etc into a 175cm size 4 figure. Only a few of my close high school friends know that I was a big fat 12-14 years old hulk(junior high)  and i lose 25 kg before i entered my new high school. I lose almost 70ish kg in total but i also lose my happy childhood and teenage life because of my strict diet plan, self-hating, etc...

A couple of months ago, when i saw the anti bullying campaign by anastasia siantar , clara devi and many more. I knew that I'm one of them, a victim of many bullies for almost 2 decades of my life.
I'm a happy 3 years old back then, i was fat and chubby but happy. My life began to change when i was 5 years old, wasn't the brightest student in my kindergarten but i was the tallest one. Kids were mean(especially boys) they called me fat, the BIG etc. They squeezed my heart a little bit but i never thought that i'll grew so much taller than them and they continued to give me more nicknames for 6 years of my primary school life. I was the ugly duckling but my wall of self-defense grew too, as tall as my height at that time. I fought a lot with all of the boys, i made one or two of them cried. I felt terrible about it, but i really need to show them who's the boss and to make them know how to be humiliated in front of the entire class. I played both roles back then the bully and also the victim.
In my first year of junior high school life, i moved to an international school, i was the underdog, too many beautiful and skinny girls there. I met a few of good people though, there were some of misunderstanding here and there , junior high drama etc, i tried to be as friendly as i could but I became the most possessive lover back in my junior high, maybe i was too young, maybe he's a jerk, but most of all i knew that i really need somebody to appreciate who i really was(i will never ever be that girl anymore)
I didn't really remember when was this moment happened but my mom told me that she almost aborted me when i was a little fetus inside her,  it's not her fault because i was the biggest surprise in her life 20 years ago. btw I have the most perfect older sister i could ever have,she's petite, pretty, skinny, GENIUS(she got her cumlaud degree earlier this month). She and i were like the heaven and hell back then.I love her, i adore her(and i LOVE her the most now!) but i have 3 siblings and i was the ordinary middle child. Once again, i was the ugly duckling of the family. My mom and dad sometimes could be the worst bullies ever. They thought that those words are tough love but for me they were NOT. Dear moms and dads, please use nice words, we don't need those sugar coated words but negativity will never work out either. Everybody called me fat, ugly, hideous, fiona in ogre version of shrek, king kong, gorilla, mother gori, godzilla, big, and many more (YES many more), I thought that they really had to stop calling me with those names and i lost 25 kg AND 1 kidney as the biggest result of their constant bully and finally they accepted me as "me". oh they also called me anorexic when i was thin and too fat to be true when i gained a few pounds.That was the story behind my reaction to a friend of mine 3 years ago. Dear friends, readers and anon nobody's  perfect and to point out one's weaknesses in order to make your pathetic self feel and look good isn't the right thing to do. I scale myself every single day of my life and a part of me is dying everytime i gained more weight. I lost one kidney and my teenage life as the result of your "tough love" people, what if... a friend of yours lost(literally) his/her life because of you? Oh yeah to be an anon with a sugar coated bad intention will only make you feel worst about yourself too, stop it. be kind to one another and be happy! I'm proud to say that i accomplished many things that I've never imagine, I'm pursuing my own happiness now, i really believe that God gave me a chance to live in order to make a difference and you pretty people love yourself and life will love you back! I really am sorry for all bad things that i've done and for this longest post of mine. *hug


  1. Wow what a great and beautiful shoes.
    Check my blog and leave a comment..

    Bye Bye

  2. baby, I'm also a victim, being different hurts me
    BUT WE WERE BORN TO SURVIVE AND TO BE OURSELVES, and one day every single bully will take their words back. EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL and that we were all born to be brave. I'm doing a campaign for anti-bullying soon through a photoshoot

  3. ;___; oh my...aku ga pernah tau ternyata banyak yang pernah jadi korban bullying. Kebanyakan verbal bullying ya..i know the feeling, it's hurt so much, but i can't do anything back then. I was also one of bullying victim. But i thank God, i overcome it. :)

  4. ahh.. the infamous lipstick heels! fabulouss!
    oh dear.. the saying "you know my name, not my story. you know what i've done, not what i've been through" is so true. no one has the right to bully others because we're all God's creations. and look at you now! pretty and tall like a model! who wouldn't want those long legs? everyday my friends said they wish they were taller. but hey, everyone have their own plus and minus, we should all be grateful as we are now. especially when we're blessed with healthiness :)

  5. stunning heels!! love them!

  6. that's so adorable lipstick heels! xo

  7. me too ci.
    i've been the victim too and yes i'd tall than others.
    my height now is about 172 ,and im 15 y.o.
    but glad you passed everything well.
    you're beautiful in your own way ci!

  8. what an art!

  9. beautiful and well-written!!

  10. I love shopping and I love to buy shoes too. you are beautiful and I respect what you have wrote. Happy to hear that you have found happiness and peace with yourself. :)

    I am following you now. Hope you'll follow back and keep in touch.

    Cheers, Jacquie

  11. Cool shoes!
    dimana2 bullying yah ce, tapi pas cc cerita, salut deh ce!
    you are the best :)

  12. literally cried a little when i read this.
    i never knew people would label you like that
    you're not ugly, society is
    well the society is fucked up anyway, sometimes all we need to do is just held our head high and keep on walking
    you are beautiful in your own way ceka
    and hey see what you've become now

    i miss you bitch
    style frontier

  13. Ur a strong woman, just for getting the word out there! ;)

  14. i love shopping but im not a shoes-addicted hhi, love that shoes anyway:)

  15. Yours is such an inspiring story :'( There are times when I think I am not good enough, but reading something so honest and inspiring as this is very humbling and I'm so amazed that you have overcome your struggles and I hope life is much more bright and about your happiness in the future :)
    So much love for you.

  16. i really want to hug u rite now!!i used to be called fatty too loh cek.. :(
    i think everyone has those moment, but the most important thing is how they could survive and believe that everyone have their own uniqueness and talents!!

  17. this sounds like mine :'( I'm holding my tears now *exaggerating*

    I've got the same problem as you, about my *cough* fat *cough* body. It makes me feel miserable, I lost my self confidence because of it. And just like you, my heart skips a beat whenever I gain some pounds. Lucky you to have your confidence back. I wish mine would come back, someday/

  18. hey mydear, dont you ever feel ugly,big,etc.
    look at you, many girls envy you.. you're tall like a model, and you're pretty,friendly and sweet.
    oh please dear, dont you ever feel like that. i want to hug you rite now..
    love you ceka :))

  19. najis banget komen2 yg muji foto sepatunya doang. *im sorry i went over my limit* >.<
    it pissed me off to see these people spreading comments without even bothered to read the story that u wrote! screw them!

    you wrote such an inspirational story here ceka. i am inspired and you know how we still deal with those insecurities, but we should be proud for who we are. you should be proud of who you are and what youve been through. They made you the amazing person that you are today...

    owh, LOVELY SHOES! *smirk* :))

  20. ci cekaaa! you are truly tough and amazing. with those "names", i would have cut myself for real. i cant believe that you went through all that. you are such an inspiration. i want you to know that you are gorgeous, beautiful, and inspiring! dont let people bring you down again okay :)

    anyways, i love your new heels. *drooling*

    Letters To Juliet

  21. you're the most adorable (and still pain in the ass) best friend I have and I surely miss you and our private hours with the dresses & the mirror, pretty! You'll be forever a tall pretty girl I'll be jealous of, come back soooon :*


  22. The only way those could get any cooler is if they were real lipstick! Amazing shoes... and thank you for being such an amazing part of the StyleSaint community.


  23. sayang banget gak sih ini dipake-nya??? LOL

    Herdiana Surachman

  24. I just read this and may i say something miss? Wow your story is such an-inspiring story. I agree that people out there should stop mocking about one's imperfections as we are all the same human created by God. Thank you for sharing and i admire your rigidity when you're facing those problems

  25. I just read this and I nearly cried because this is exactly me. I used to be big but then I lost all the weight but also nearly my entire life. I'm really surprised that there's actually someone out there that went through the same thing, and to think that that someone is you.... It's giving me hope. Thank you.

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